Tuesday, September 29th, 2020
A few nights ago I took acid for the first time, I’m not someone who likes to dabble in things I don’t know already but, my roommate told me it would calm me down and it would all work out. God knows why I trusted him but I did, by the time I was having second thoughts it was already over an hour since I took it and I knew all I could do was sit back and wait. I didn’t know what to expect or what would happen, and then suddenly it all hit.
Well, not as sudden as I expected, the feeling of losing myself was gradual but it was there. Then, when everything was there, and all my sense felt connected, all I felt, was you. You weren’t even there, we hadn’t talked all that day I don’t think, and then suddenly, it was you. I felt your warmth by me, and I felt love, so deep and unconditional, all for you. It may sound silly but I was nuzzling into my pillow (it was comfy, okay?) and to my brain it felt like I was nuzzling into your back while spooning you. Logically I knew it was a pillow, obviously, but in my heart? I was holding you, and it was crazy. My body knew your shoulders, and the size of your hands, I knew where to hold you and how you felt against me. My muscle memory of your body and your movements astounded me. While I was in bed, every 30=40 minutes I would rotate my body into a new cuddling position, usually side to side and the occasional back. Just like we do when we sleep together.
When I closed my eyes it felt like I was a million years away from my body, I was no longer a person, everything was too vast and too far. The only thing I knew in this state was you. With the feeling of your presence around me, I felt safe and secure. Nothing could hurt either you or me, because I was safe in my emotions. I don’t know if this makes sense, because to an extent it doesn’t to me, it’s just what happened. I didn’t expect my trip to be all about you, and I sure as hell didn’t expect the feelings to be so intense. Yeah I know I’m still in love with you and yeah I know we hang out like three times a week every week, but I didn’t think that when I took acid, everything was going to be surrounded by you.
It’s like, logically? I knew you weren’t there with me, but, you were. I felt so close to you that night and I woke up instinctively reaching for your body to pull closer, yet you weren’t there. I feel weirdly closer to you now, and you have no idea.
When you came over last night, I had to bite my tongue, hard. I no longer felt that awkwardness of “oh God he’s going to know I love him.”, I just felt comfortable. We just were lying in my bed staring at each other and smiling and kissing and I felt love radiate from my body to yours. It was so unconditional and genuine it almost scared me. I feel like I’m crazy when I say this, because I have nothing to base it off of, but when you look me in the eyes… I swear to God that you look at me with just as much love as I do you. Who knows though, maybe I’m crazy. When you got up to leave, I nearly blurted out I love you. Wouldn’t that have been awkward? Luckily I saved myself by telling you to drive safely instead, nice save right?
You’re coming back over tonight, as you so often do, and I’m really excited. I don’t know why. We’re just going to eat dinner and play video games, maybe drink, like we do literally every time we hang out. I’m still just excited to see your face and your smile and everything in between. I didn’t need to take acid to know I love you, but I don’t think I even knew the extent of my own feelings until I did. If soulmates are real, you’re definitely mine. Or, least I hope you are. I’ll see you in two hours for dinner ❤