Tuesday, June 29th 2021
I have been wanting to write a letter since, forever. Especially around my birthday. I wanted to gush about how good of a time I had and how nice and thoughtful the entire time was, but I’d be lying.
You made me feel bad, you made me feel like it was my fault only for me to find out you were trying to get your dick wet when you were supposed to be hanging out with me. Dude. What? Especially because we live near the girl like, I’m so luckily unlucky of course she lives by the laundromat and of course she invited me over. Whatever. We’re not together why am I bugging.
Except this caused a freakout in me and I told you. A little backwards but you know how I feel and you said you couldn’t right now but am I supposed to wait? I don’t want to. I feel like even today I’m not thinking about you. The last few times we hang out I’ve just been having a genuinely bad time. How do I even bring that up without crying and even then, how can I bring it up without you getting mad? You always promise you won’t, yet every time you always do.
I hate drinking with you because depending on the night you just become an asshole, you just want sex, threaten to leave, hit me, and insult me when I cry. When we’re sober I can’t rely on you for comfort. If I’m having a bad day or I want to vent all I get is “that sucks” or a shitty joke. I get interrupted constantly for you to make jokes. I feel like I’m constantly on the back burner for your time, if you have friends I’m the bottom of the barrel for you. If I need someone but someone else needs you, I’m second. The second your friend group with Carli ditched you suddenly I’m your best friend.
I’ve become your best friend because you have no one else at the moment, you don’t care for my time, and it hurts. I have cried SO much over you and I still hate myself that I care. I think you’re a lovely person but I think you’re a total fucking asshole to me. I feel worse when I bring up issues because you just yell, you turn it around on me and remind me of something I’ve done without ever getting any resolution. When I watch tiktoks about girls lamenting of their past or current relationships and it’s always a toxic shitty person, I always relate to it.
And when I do relate to them I feel worse, I feel worse about myself, because how could I give my everything to someone who wouldn’t for me. I just feel used and under appreciated. Granted I’ve been having a really bad mental health week, and you have to. It sucks because when I’m sad having a rough time I want a friend and you want to isolate.
Whenever you ask to hang we do, whenever I do it never happens, or you cancel. It’s like you enjoy the perks of a girlfriend without the decent respect to have one. You know the only thing that would change if we were together? Saying I love you and deleting apps, I would still respect your space. If giving me everything you have is this, and you can’t give much more then? That just means you don’t love me and you can’t handle deleting your dating profiles. Honestly, how many other girls have there been?
How many people have you met up with behind my back? Do I need to get tested? I want to stop fucking you and I want to stop drinking with you because I’m in so much pain but if I do then I think you’d leave. I hate that I don’t want you to. I hate that I just wish you’d call me yours. We’re coming up to one year of us hanging out again, no fights, always communicating. Except, not much communicating anymore.
How do I tell you that I want all my stuff back, and that I want to remove you from my life, because I would be so much happier. I could find love if I wasn’t so hung up on you, I could find..anything. I could leave Camarillo and be free.
Sometime’s I feel like you’re so mean to me is because you can be. I feel like you already know I won’t leave. Maybe I won’t, probably not. But I know I should now, I just feel so empty when we talk because I feel so unappreciated. Even as a friend, even just as a friend, this is ridiculous.
Last time I spoke up that I miss you, you got mad and told me that we text every single day and that we play stardew every single night. So I’ve stopped that, I’ve stopped asking you to hang out, its only on your terms now. I make a point to not play stardew with you every single night, because apparently to you that’s hanging out whereas for me it’s not, for me it’s playing a video game with a friend but it doesn’t get my social needs up. I am, terrified to ask you for any favor. I am from the bottom of my heart scared to even ask you for the decency of quality time, or even of a relationship.
And when you’re mad, suddenly things I didn't know were problems are and suddenly you hate me and hold things over my head and I end up having panic attacks that I need to excuse to my roommates are just you helping me over anxiety. They know I only cry when you’re over or if I’m messaging you. I hate it. I have given so much, and have loved so hard and it’s never enough and I will never be enough for you and it stings more than anything else, and it’s taken a near year of hanging out with you to know that.
Your friends don’t know about me, except your roommates because you FINALLY brought me over on valentines day after months of me asking when I could. I NEVER got to meet your friend group and I doubt I ever will when you make more friends, because? I just won’t, even though I’ve made sure you always get to meet my friends and hang out with them.
I’m just venting, I miss you and I haven’t seen you in weeks, barely texted you too. I’m sorry times are so tough, hope you do better, but I haven’t thought about you as much as normal and, that’s scary too. What if I move on? I don’t want that, I want you. But that’s also not an option..