Wrow, so I actually meant to write around valentines day but I completely forgot. Well, not really forgot but, I’ve just been busy. I hate being an adult my god.
Anyways, before I even get into that, I reread some of my old entries (I was adding photos to the journal) and I hate how some of them are so serious. Granted they were in very serious moments, but reading back on them I can literally feel the pain and confusion and all that shit through the page. So I’ve been trying to make them look more light hearted with silly stickers and cute photos, because — yeah those things happened, and they suck, and to forget them all together would just cause them to happen again or some shit, I think it’s totally fine to make it be more light hearted now.
I mean it is a little jarring though to see a hatsune miku garfield right below a post break up letter but you know what, I think it adds to it, in its own way of course. I’m still not sure if I’ll ever even give you this book, I mean it’s such a personal and emotional gift that I don’t know if there would ever be a right time to do so.
I also think it’s really funny going back and reading these moment where I’mlike “ohhhh I don't even think about you any more” or “yeah I’m definitely not in love with you” because it’s so obvious I’m in denial. It’s cute though to watch it go from being unhealthily attached, to growing apart and healing, and reuniting. Even then I really enjoy reading the letters I wrote right after we started seeing each other again because I was so genuinely excited to see you and have you back in my life, I was amazed at how strong my feelings for you still were. I don’t know if I was even in love though. I mean I cared about you so deeply and was so excited you were in my life and you made my heart skip a few too many beats but.
Okay, there was a defining moment right after the cabin, I can’t even remember exactly what it was but, there was just this moment where we paused after laughing and I was like, oh, NOW I’m falling in love. Even then, sometime right before Valentines day, there was a moment where we looked into each others eyes and you smiled and laughed and that was the moment it clicked and I was like, I’m in love with this man so hard. Like, every letter I’m like “aaaaaah I love you so much” and “here's all these edgy analogies” and whatever, and they are nice letters! And my feelings are valid, but there’s a certain level of trust and comfort I have now that I didn’t have before that I feel like makes the feeling so much more different?
It’s like all the infatuation is gone and I’m just excited and comfortable to be in your presence and I just want to spend the rest of my life with you, but not in a creepy way I swear. Like hell, last night we got drunk to celebrate me moving out of this house and into my own apartment, so we played huniepop and all that jazz (we’re amazing). And, we both were so exhausted but we didn’t want to sleep at all! So we were in my bed and you had nuzzled into me and you were like, “You’re so comfy” or some shit and I responded with “then go to bed” or something. And then you went “no i wanna stay awake because im with you” or something VERY similar to that, and my heart just felt warm and I smiled. It’s moments like those where I can’t help but wonder if you love me too.
AND, I know I’m still not the best around weed, and like, it still is such a fine line before I get triggered. And I know I didn’t handle it well before, but, being around you when you smell, or smoke or anything of the sort is still really really hard. I feel unsafe and whatnot, but it’s something I’m getting through and dealing with. And I know my trauma is my own and it’s my responsibility to work on it, but you’ve been nothing but respectful about it. Even on Valentines day you made sure I was comfortable and I appreciate that greatly, and honestly it’s really nice to be able to rewrite all of my bad memories with it and in return create new memories that are fond with you. I do apologize though if I still get snippy with you, it’s something I am absolutely working on and something I really want to be able to be okay with. Just be patient with me please.
NOW
ON TO VALENTINES DAY
Remember my last letter? How I wasn’t sure if we would do anything? I was gonna sit around and wait for you to ask me but like, the anxiety of you not asking was too high. BUT the anxiety of asking you was also high, so, I did the only logical thing. I made such a strangely elaborate and cringey “dating sim” with myself to ask you to be my valentine. It took way too much time to admit to, but it was so bizarre and, it worked. You said yes and I got to ask you indirectly. Come valentines day, you planned the whole day.
We went to the bagel shop (it was closed), and we made plans for a v-day part 2, where we drive to little Tokyo and take photos together. These two things alone made me so happy I was literally stimming to get the joy out. I don’t know how intentional it was but when we left lil Tokyo last time, not taking a photo hurt me really deeply. And the last time I got bagels at that location was the day we broke up (and we didn’t even get bagels). Somehow, I can’t even explain it, but just being at those locations, and you wanting to do those things with me. I don't know, it gave me closure I didn’t know I needed? I just felt, like, whole again? I didn’t even know I felt empty, but it was like you gave me a piece of me that I was missing. God that sounds dumb, but theres no better way to word it.
THEN we went to gamestop and you got me the cutest (And huge) snorlax mug plus we got Pokémon lets go eevee and pikachu so we could play and trade together. Something that was one of my fondest memories of our relationship, so for you to come up with the idea that we should do that again made me really happy. We ended up going back to your place and I know it wasn’t your original idea, but it felt really good to finally hang out at your house. I finally met your roommates and we all played Mario party together (I won). I don’t know how intentional it is but the fact you’ve met all my friends, gone on trips with them and even have hung out at my house so often, and in return I haven't met your friends, I haven't seen your house or your roommates and you visibly panic whenever someone wants to tag you in social media when my friends post. It hurts. (You say you have no social media presence but you definitely always add to your story when your other friends tag you in stuff) it just, no one likes feeling like a dirty secret, and that’s how it makes me feel.
It’s probably why I’m so terrified to ask you out, because even if you do love me (which is debatable), I can still picture you saying no because of how it went last time and because, you don’t want your friends to know. And that, well, stings. A lot.
So, just to be able to be in your world, even if it was for one night. Was amazing. Even if it was your roommates who don’t hang out with your other friends, or whatnot, it just. It felt really nice to be included for the first time in like, over half a year. Anyways, sorry that got kinda serious, I guess that's affecting me a little more than I thought. But! I had a great time, I then got to fall asleep in your bed, cuddling and snuggling and kissing you. It was genuinely such a perfect and amazing day, and you planned it all. It made me really happy and I’m still super jazzed about it. I’m still hitting myself for not taking any photos of us that day because we looked so good. And I was so happy. I hope that day was good for you too, it was really sweet that you were my valentine and it made me literally so excited when you said yes.
You also said, you want to go on a trip together to go to portland and party with my cousin. I’m holding you to those words you goon, because that’s my biggest desire in the world. I just want to go nowhere with you. Wrow okay I wrote a lot more than I planned, I’m in a blabby mood I guess.
I hope one day I have the courage to gift you this book, because holy hell, this is like a two year journal now. Thats SO MUCH. The dedication? Impeccable. I’m gonna go draw some shit now, I’m in a great mood ❤
-Maddie
