A Letter to…Myself?

Sunday, December 29th, 2019

I feel silly for writing. I feel silly for typing on the keyboard and I feel absolutely ridiculous for still having these feelings. My roommate says I shouldn’t try and hide them and I should write them down, that it’s ‘therapeutic’ or whatever. I don’t care nor do I mind but it feels good getting things off of my chest every now and then.

It’s been a few months now, I’m still homeless and I’m still so dog shit miserable but I see the light. It’s so close now. In two days I’m moving into my home, in two days I will be able to start anew once and for all. In two simple days Im going to be free. I can stop relying on my so called family and I can finally move forward.

I’ve been losing weight like crazy too. 220 to 173. Only 30 some more pounds to go. Everyone is telling me I have a problem and I need to eat more, I disagree. My body looks the best it has in a long time. I’m falling in love with myself again, and after so long of hating the body i’m in, I’m excited to be confident. Looking in the mirror and hating every single thing was awful, it made me contemplate ending it all. I know I’m vain, but who am I in this world if I’m not at least mildly attractive?

I’ve been struggling with my mental health. Ever since becoming homeless I’ve been forced to rely on my mother for showers and warm meals. It was getting to cold in my car, I began waking up so absolutely freezing in the middle of the night I could no longer feel my legs. She’s been kind enough to allow me to sleep on the floor. Though I must admit, the car would probably be far better for my stability. She makes it very clear she’s the only reason I’m okay, and how she’s sticking her neck out for me. Im only allowed to shower once a week and use the bathroom twice a day. Only two more days of this hell. Only two more days until i no longer daydream of strangling her.

I’ve been self medicating a lot recently. Delving into a lot of my own issues and a lot of my own shit. When I’m drunk it’s easy to forget the world, it’s easy to think happy thoughts and to dance with nameless people. They never stay nor do I allow them too. Drinking and dancing and kissing. The second they tell me they like me I bounce. Guess I’m back to being a heartbreaker.

The days i’m not drunk I’m stoned. Sometimes I eat too much on purpose and I get so high I can’t move. The comatose state is as horrible as it is relaxing. My thoughts are simple, and I feel simple. I’m not happy but I’m not sad. I feel warm and loved, but I myself feel nothing. i forgot how cuddly I get when I’m high, I forgot how much I hate the feeling. I’m no longer in control of my thoughts or my actions or my movements. I’m just a secondary character in my own motion picture film. When I get like this I swear I can almost feel your skin against mine once again.

When I’m not too out of my mind, I’m indulging in video games. I’ve been really into farming recently. I’ve been playing so much, it’s all I do when I’m at my moms. It’s so easy to fall into that world and just pretending that everything’s fine. It’s a crutch but it’s what I need right now. I’m stuck in an environment where I physically cannot heal yet. I hate where I am right now and who I am. But it’s okay, two more days and I’ll be gone.

I want to work on myself. I want to get my sickness under control. I want my emotions to be normal, I want to feel normal. I want to do it for me. I’m so tired of feeling so angry and so volatile. Or when I feel so sad the world is ending and I’m violently sobbing, only to be screeching with laughter and speeding down the freeway the next second. That’s not normal.

Not caring when someone cries is not normal. Being so emotionally unavailable that when someone is hurt I physically cannot being myself to care is not normal. I know it’s who I am and that I’ve always been like this. But I don’t want to be, I want to change. I want to just be normal and to care. I want to care about the world the way I used to care about you.

I’m so tired of the drama. I’m so tired of moving. (6 houses in 2019 alone!), I’m done with the drinking and the smoking. I want simplicity. I want to be in a small apartment, just me and a lover with our little red barstools i demanded be in the place. I want a simple life with no drama and no chaos. No more tears, no more screaming and god forbid no more violence. I’ve had such a rough past and this year has been absolute hell but Im getting better.

A lot of my friends have reached out, they miss me. I didn’t realize how unavailable i had become to them. I’ve been seeing them as much as possible and it’s been so lovely. Seeing someone actually happy to see me was so rewarding and fresh! Seeing their faces light up when I smile is the greatest gift I could have gotten.

I’ve been finding my old hobbies again too, I haven’t been all consuming in my own destruction. I’ve been listening to podcasts, and honing in on some talent. Not to sound like an old lady but I love knitting, turns out I have a knack for that and even fashion design! It’s amazing what you learn when you allow yourself to grow and flourish without hindering yourself to let someone else shine.

Slowly but surely i feel more like myself, and soon enough I’m going to be free. My own space, a place to finally call my own. I’m going to be able to breathe and draw and use my own bathroom! I’ll be able to bring whoever I want over, whenever I want and It’s so close I swear I can taste it. This past year I lost myself and became a monster, I became someone I hated and I became someone I was ashamed of. I did things I swore I’d never do and became just the scum of the earth. I’m going to become so much better, I’m going to work my ass off on becoming a better person. I hope by the time I’ve healed, you too have healed. Maybe one day we can hold one another again, in a healthy and loving environment. Maybe if we reconnect you can see how amazing I’ve become and we can celebrate together. Maybe I’ll finally take you to the Getty and we can have lunch as we slowly become friends again.

Even so, with or without you, I’m going to flourish. I just pray you’re around to see it.